Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.

Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)

Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”

we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on

I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.

*except just then*

i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry

God: you run really fast.

Horse: sweet.

God: people ride you in circles for sport.

Horse: kindof weird but ok

God: also don’t break a leg.

Horse: why?

God:

Horse: God? why?

Don’t worry, guys. Together we can eliminate logic and reason on social media. I see some of you are already ahead of the game. Way to go

I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.

My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.

Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.

Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?

Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.

You’re welcome.

Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”

{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.

Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate

Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!

Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.

[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder

My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym

Raisins are grape jerky.

Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.

ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*

ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5

Diabetes was the God of sugar.

[Job Interview]

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.

Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.

Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.

I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.

Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.

Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”

And then Security had to escort me.

[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t

Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda

6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.

6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.

Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.

6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.

What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.

My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.