[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
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*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*