Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.

“Change is never easy…”

~McDonalds employees

“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”

when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.

Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.

Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.

I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here

[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.

At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.

HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁

My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.

So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.

Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.

Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”

Enjoying a few cups of coffee at my enormous kitchen island while being scrutinized by my two friends, one of whom has a torso that is physically inside the island

If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.

Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.

[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice

You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.

Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.

Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.

You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.

[job interview]

HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking

*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair

HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”

Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.

Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.

coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body

my wife: could we remove the kazoo

when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing

The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.

I guess she doesn’t remember me.

Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?

NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.

I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.

-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids