[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
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Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.