Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.

Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.

Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.

*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag

I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.

My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher

You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.

“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.

I’m doomed.

I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.

In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”

*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email

At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”

Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.

The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime

Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed

After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.

I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.

if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.

It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.

Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.

I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player

My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.

i got 4 brain cells and they’re the Madagascar penguins

ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.

Dropped mother-in-law at airport.

Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.

One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.

Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.

To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.

Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend

One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.

Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.