Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.

I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.

I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.

I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby

A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.

Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean

me: freedom implies the existence of freesub

subway: we said no

You spin me right round, baby, right round…

~ my Roomba at night probably

dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection

NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.

Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.

#TopTip

Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.

I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.

I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.

if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert

I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.

“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”

-Netflix.

WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?

Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to

Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy

Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…

the council will decide your fate

Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.

What my back needs

As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.

[meeting]

DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI

PRODUCER: Yes!

D: A huge cast

P: Agreed!

D: Realistic family photos

P: We don’t have the budget

I’m not a regular Mom.

I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.

Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.

Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!