Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.

I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.

Me: I slept through the second half of that movie

Kids: And the first half

Me: Yes

I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time

I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.

All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.

I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.

HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?

Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.

Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two

Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.

If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.

*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?

“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.

I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash

A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.

*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*

“Wait, if you’re here then that means”

*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*

(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name

Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …

Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.

Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”

I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”

Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”

Kong’s very sensitive.

her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes

Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email

me: having a blended family is challenging

person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?

me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat

(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂

TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.

I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.

My child: Picks cookie with the most icing

Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off

I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.