Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!

I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.

Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.

[first date]

Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.

Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?

Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME

[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock

The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven

ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.

FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.

ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.

Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.

Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve

Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies

A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.

Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”

13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me

Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers

I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.

[ first day as a bartender ]

*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*

Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?

The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

me: i don’t know what to order

waiter: the chef’s special?

me: I’m sure he is

I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.

Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?

[restaurant]

Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese

Her: … you definitely don’t have permission

Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan

Ah..makes sense now

I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.

[hs reunion]

JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital

Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?

“Sure”[click]

Couple: How does it look?

“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”

the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.

attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon

Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.