Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨

Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.

My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?

I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.

Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.

The 70s had it right.

Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.

The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.

Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?

5: Pencils. Duh.

interviewer: why’d you leave your last job

me: i heard a loud noise

interviewer: wow what was it

me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired

“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…

Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.

*roving gang of doctors walk past house*

*feral teacher crashes through window*

When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.

I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.

It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.

That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own

If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.

My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..

Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.

My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice

#haiku

Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’

You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.

Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.

[space station]

me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty

her: seriously?

me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that

If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.

The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.

[god creating hotdogs]

inflate that worm

I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.

Pooh on Cold Callers:

These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…

physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband