Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.

It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.

Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.

[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*

this is 10/10 content no notes

A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?

I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”

Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”

my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors

God: you’re my son

Jesus: do I have super powers 😀

God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread

Jesus: :/

God: …fish

Jesus: so who’s my enemy

God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm

Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁

God: oh he’s super duper cool

Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.

i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times

Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.

Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.

Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.

I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.

my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.

There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.

And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.

“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]

you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks

If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.

Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i mend relationships

professor boyfriend: oh wow

[working at prison coffee shop]

I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business

MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.

Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving

Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without

BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop

One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.