Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!

every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car

Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.

My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.

One arm at a time.

Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”

Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts

Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts

…you’re right, I do feel better now.

My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.

I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together

This is my emotional support chloroform rag

Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.

That escalated quickly

– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.

People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.

Someone: he doesn’t look so good.

Someone else: we have to say the magic words!

Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…

Me: *slowly rises from the dead*

Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home

Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.

Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?

I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism

God: you can breathe underwater!

Fish: nice.

God: also eat and drink underwater.

Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?

God:

Fish: just on the land or something?

My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…

I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.

He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!

#jokes

i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea

i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH

“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”

What is Iron Man without his suit?

Stark naked.

“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”

haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?

Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”

When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.

And then start talking gibberish again.

[carnival]

ME: How do I win?

CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table

ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*

CARNIE: Oh shi-

i baked you a cake