Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?

Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”

The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.

An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.

I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one

I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.

I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.

Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?

Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.

I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.

I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.

Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??

My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”

imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.

waiter: *murdering me*

me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine

Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her

Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.

This spa was amazing!

Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.

3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again

cat people: dogs are fine

dog people: cats are sent from the devil

who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed

If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.

[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]

Cop: Do you know how fast-

Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”

Cop: …Sir is that your son

Me: I don’t have a son

Me: *looking fly*

Target self-checkout camera: lol no

[the invention of tennis]

“I don’t want this ball.”

“Well, I don’t want it either.”

[picking her up for a date]

ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage

HER: really?

ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in

My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.

I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.

NYPD has located a can of Pringles left behind by the assassin in Central Park. Upon opening it, they found it was spring-loaded with a large toy snake