Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.

maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them

Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown

this isn’t threatening at all

you never know what burdens people are dealing with

You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.

Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”

The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy

I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life

a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans

Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive

Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL

Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.

Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me

Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*

WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you

My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆

Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.

Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.

Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.

I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.

handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.

clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.

me: same as him.

clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.

My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.

I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face

I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.

That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.

I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops

Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?

Her:

Me:

Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.

Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO

My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.

Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.