Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520

*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!

He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him

People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.

I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.

Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.

why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes

Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

Cw: you have a call holding

M: put it in my voicemail

Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent

M: hiiii this is Jennifer

Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.

Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.

I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.

I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.

I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.

Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!

how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours

A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:

-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip

I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.

It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad

Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.

So, I guess it’s hereditary.

7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches

Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me 

– Kanye West warming up

Still my favourite meme.

Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.

I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.

Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend

Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!

Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what

I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.

ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me

I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life

If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys