Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.

when a toddler tells a story

Your secret is safeish with me

I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts

Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.

me: I forgot my line

movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip

i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”

ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”

alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help

me: we got our own problems

*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?

[dinner party]

*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?

Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.

[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office

Don’t forget to tip your server

Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.

pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes

[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve

To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work

6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?

Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!

6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!

I’m not homophobic, I love my house!

Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.

[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit

[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit

No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!

My best quality: telling it like it is.

My worst quality: telling it like it is.

Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds

It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.

Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff

The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.

We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.

Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.