Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel

When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”

[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people

Me: What did you do today while I was at work?

Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.

Me: I think you’re lying.

Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?

“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter

falling in love with me is cool more people should do it

“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:

1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the death

If you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”

A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.

Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming

Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.

CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.

It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.

“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”

Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.

Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING

Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF

Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.

You’re welcome…

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

Domino’s : we said 30 min or less

Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.

[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?

“Abolishing slavery.”

And…

“Slaying vampires.”

Very good.

Happy Star Trick Day.

May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.

How many tricks you get today anyway?

Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?

Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now

Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps

hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees

Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.

wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?

the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.

It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.

[breaking up with a guy]

Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.

Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.

My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.