[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
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What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!