[Pulled over]

Officer: license and registra- oh wow

Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here

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Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.


[at my intervention]

mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet


When I get murdered the neighbors will be on the news like, “Wow, I can’t believe it took so long.”


What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave


It seems Bichon Frisé is a dog breed and not, as indicated in the recipe, a fancy salad green. We regret any confusion this may have caused.


How To Tell A Girl Is Mad:
1. She tells you she’s mad
2. She tells you she’s not mad
3. She sets your stuff on fire
4. She sets you on fire


My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.


Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge


Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant

My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?