[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
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Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.
But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
My dentist has me so hyped up this morning, I’m thinking of creating a dating profile that just says “never had a cavity” and watching the matches roll in.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE