Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.

*Joseph rolls eyes

Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough

“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”

Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap

If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.

[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here

God making man in his image was the original selfie

Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*

Stan: A power cut.

CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap

[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?

I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed

A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.

Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie

[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell

I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse

Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.

Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.

I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.

#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?

I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.

ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*

The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.

my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”

suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”

Why socialize when you could party inside your room with your 99+ personalities.

Me: Go clean your room.

10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.

When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.

My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.

I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”