[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
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Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.