Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.

This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.

People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly

How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?

Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me

I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod

My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.

It was a picture of her at the airport.

I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.

Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.

I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother

HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.

Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?

Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.

Finally! 😈

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂

When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.

Interviewer: what makes you stand out?

Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.

Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?

Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.

Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.

I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money

Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏

me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers

her: it’s cool i don’t like music

me: ok we have 2 problems

Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.

What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?

I love using food in the bedroom!

But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…

I mayo may not.

[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”

That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.

*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*

*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?

Roses are red, violets are-

Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!