I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
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*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
I bet Fred Flintstone wishes he had a Fitbit.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Him: ima call you at 11
Me at 11:01: all men do is lie
Where was the NSAs wire taps when the McCallisters were leaving messages w all the neighbors that Kevin was abandoned & alone? Thanks Obama.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Me: *has debilitating crush on a nerd*
Nerd: What you feel is a burst of norepinephrine increasing arousal and focus-