[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”

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I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.


Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.


dude that designs dressing rooms: make em tiny like an upright coffin. good. now make the lighting so that bare skin looks like nightmares.


[First Date]

HIM: So, you like Star Wars.
ME: *sipping soup thru a bendy straw so I don’t have to take off my C-3PO mask* *shakes head yes*


if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up


You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.


The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.


I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.