[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”

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*Receives good, solid, sound advice.

*Does exact opposite.


Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.

After: sit down.


Him: ima call you at 11

Me at 11:01: all men do is lie


Where was the NSAs wire taps when the McCallisters were leaving messages w all the neighbors that Kevin was abandoned & alone? Thanks Obama.


If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss


[documentary on bees]

“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”



Me: *has debilitating crush on a nerd*

Nerd: What you feel is a burst of norepinephrine increasing arousal and focus-

Me: *swoons*