[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
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me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos