Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
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“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
“I wouldn’t.”
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.