Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills

Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills

Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired

Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go

Interviewer: dammit

rich people: be like me, invest in stocks

also rich people: no not like that

sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now

Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.

i just found this in my phone

they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings

“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”

remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer

Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.

If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂

Gary born

Gary child

Gary teenager

Gary middle-aged

Gary Oldman

Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.

Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?

[first date]

her: what did you study in college

me: (wearing ski mask) burgling

Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.

My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.

said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it

Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.

*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*

*grabs whip*

*flicks whip*

*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*

ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted

ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up

Friend: not a fan.

Me: correct. you human.

Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters

Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:

Them: The children are our future.

The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]

any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow

Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.

[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla

Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”