Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.

I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.

You had ONE job!

– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.

F*** flowers for Valentine’s Day, buy me eggs.

My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack

I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.

me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign

booming voice from above: LOG OFF

me: that could’ve been anyone

Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.

Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.

Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.

I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.

Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut

The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.

Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.

* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.

I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.

My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.

Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts

‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.

ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series

OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home

Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?

TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks

Why?

TRUMP: To make America grate again

It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.

“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.

Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”

Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:

•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”

I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.

Oh…wrong toilets.

Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”

(Gaming support cat.)

I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids

I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great