[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
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So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing