[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
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ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
#winning
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…