Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
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*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Steven: Good evening
Stephen: Good ephening
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
This kid will have a bright future.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Self checkout is amazing for introverts until the machine breaks and two employees have to come fix it while you wait
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?