[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
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I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
what could possibly go wrong?
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee