Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
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I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Friday night party time 🥳
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities