Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
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Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
You look like you would fail a DNA test
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Suuuuure
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle
What was the main bloke called in Harry Potter
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Black Friday at the LEGO store, people were lined up for blocks
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.