Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
You Might Also Like
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”
Toto: “Da f**k I do?”
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
The next person to ring the doorbell on a Saturday trying to sell something will be subjected to my 6yo’s full lecture on lizards, and let me warn you, it’s long
I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Passenger announcement: This is for a Mr Torris off the Barcelona flight, a Mr Clee Torris. I’m trying to find a Clee Torris. If anyone knows where a Clee Torris is, please let me knoCOLIN YOU BAST…
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.