Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.

[i get back from the supermarket]

wife: did you forget about dre

me: nope

wife: did you remember the alamo

me: yep

wife: did you get the eggs

me: goddammit

Stages of going to bed:

1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.

SONOFA

My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.

on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme

The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.

as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator

R.I.P.

*goes to Costco to stock up*

*comes home with all the Doritos*

While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.

Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.

So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.

A classic example of a cat being a cat.

Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’

I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’

Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.

*flips table*

YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.

“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev

I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!

I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.

spouse: what are you doing

me: i’m writing a pilot

spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂

me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?

Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.

I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.

Noah could only fish twice.

Why?

He only had two worms.

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane

Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.

[first day as an art thief]

Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money

my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse