Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms

My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?

Waitress: Is everything ok?

Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?

There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.

we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes

Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.

What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?

I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults

Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.

[trying to sleep]

Me: ok, just breathe and relax.

Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED

A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.

[Starbucks Assassins Inc]

CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John

BARISTA: [writes] Jamie

C: Ok. Memorise it

B: [eyes shut] Janet

Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.

I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.

jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy

Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them

at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.

Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.

I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.

Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%

Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.

I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.

#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”

A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.

“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.

*goes outside*

*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*

*regrets today’s choice of underwear*

Probably just poor graphic design…

Still not gonna drink from it.

writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it

If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?

Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.

The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol