Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.

After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!

“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”

*pokes body with stick*

Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil

Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children

30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children

If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.

Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?

Me: Well, we have a problem.

Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.

Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.

I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.

Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.

[guy about to invent bowling]

let’s have some fun, but not too much

I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.

*me, talking to my dogs

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.

I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.

i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”

guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine

Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?

Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language

Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*

As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table

[hotel room]

Her: why are you making the bed

Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen

[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.

Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it

Match dot com, but for socks.

{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.

(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)

Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not

“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken

How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.

My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.

Number of times my dog has puked on:

the tile floor: 0

the carpet: 3,290

A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.

Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.

“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger