Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!

Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger

My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.

Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.

Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!

*our canoe tips over*

me: i need directions please

stranger: you need to go north and –

me: left or right

stranger: it’s a little more complex than that

me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT

Me: *making tea*

Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!

Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.

If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994

Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for

me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing

*unwraps Babybel*

Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.

…..pretty much.

Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok

Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.

no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…

I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.

job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them

The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.

My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public

I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.

a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs

If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE

Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore

8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”

8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops

It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar

It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house

The difference is staggering

I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.

[at a funeral]

*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*

*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?

Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”