*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
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When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Basically, any European coat of arms:
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
channeling her this year
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat