*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
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If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Pro tip for Zoom court: ZOOM COURT IS REAL COURT
–Always be fully clothed
–Do not be in or on the toilet
–Do not Zoom in from the shower
–Do not Zoom in from the bed–especially if unclothed
–Don’t wear any hats/caps/bonnets
–Don’t make a full on omelet like that one lady
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
happy halloween
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk