[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
You Might Also Like
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”