[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
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the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
I was under the delusion I’m normal until I learned I’m the only person who wears pants to zoom meetings.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
finally found a reasonable question
scientifically speaking, how long do you plan to be this stupid?
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
my mom making me talk to relatives
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls