Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

boss: you’re late

me: I broke down on the way here

boss: did they tow your car?

me: car?

detective: what happened?

librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks

detective: how’d he do that?

librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket

I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed

I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.

“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”

First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.

Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.

*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*

I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.

Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.

One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week

Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.

3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.

Me:

Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead

If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.

I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.

Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.

Waiting for the websites to start offering pizza instead of just cookies.

Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T

16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds

For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman

I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.

SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?

SCARECROW:Oh I forgot

SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…

SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it

Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.

Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….

And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.

Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.

I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.

I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”

*lifts 10 pound weight*

Nice.

*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*

Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*

Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this

Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.

Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…