Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: promise you didn’t get me a beeper

me: [from a distance] just open it

Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.

For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.

tour guide: here are the sharks

me: bitey boi

guide: …and over here, a swordfish

me: pointy boi

guide: get out of the aquarium

Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow

Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy

If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:

If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.

Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?

Me: Stay at home couch accessory.

I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy

When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…

Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.

Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]

Here you go!

I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.

When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.

Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.

My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.

You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby

Damn, this hole is wet

*I say right after stepping into a puddle

Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it

Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.

Server: Tartar sauce?

Dentist: *eyes narrow*

[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]

I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.

FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot

People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.

My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.

me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand

Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*

Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies

I grilled a chicken for two hours.

It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…

Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?

[emerging from a ten year coma]

my dad: look who finally got up

*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*

I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.