Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.

Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold

*cue explosion*

PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN

*fade to black*

I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.

12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.

Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.

12yo: Kids do that?

Me:

12yo:

Me: No.

wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him

me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six

puppy: holy shit

I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.

I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?

Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.

Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.

I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.

*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*

the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough

My chiropractor is a crack addict.

You spin me right round, baby, right round…

~ my Roomba at night probably

Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.

Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.

Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.

If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!

[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner!

[real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*

Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125

Batman V Superman 2:

Both men agree their last battle was too destructive

They settle their differences by playing Uno

Loser leaves earth

I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep

Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.

When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.

isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange

I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles

I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.

[after giving performance of a lifetime]

ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now

MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son

Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.

One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic