Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *stands on one leg*

My flamenco teacher: No.

During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.

Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.

Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep

I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman

I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.

People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.

A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.

4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door

me: oh wow that’s silly

4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.

me: wait, what?

Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.

probably should have split this into two separate stories guys

[first day as a peterinarian]

Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign

Me (petting dog): No.

car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin

My beach vacation Google searches

All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?

Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?

I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.

Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”

Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.

He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.

That’s how the fight started

My wife told me she “likes it rough.”

So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.

-how guys understand women

I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.

Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.

Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?

Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]

I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!

[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.

Me when they’re trying to close the buffet

Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.

*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.

*first day as an insurance salesman*

Customer: Can I get a quote?

Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰

Customer: …

Me: …

Customer: …

Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.