Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.

No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.

I feel a bit deprived…….

I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.

I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.

I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.

It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄

Come back after dark. Bring your friends

judge: *banging gavel* guilty

me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?

judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder

Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript

[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down here

guy: ya but it’s a dry heat

me: i totally get why you’re here

Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis

Me: I am a man of substance.

Motion-activated faucet: No.

gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic

Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.

Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.

Me: What?

Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.

Legit call from the school:

Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report

6yo: Newton discovered gravy

Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.

6yo: what’s that?

Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space

6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy

Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*

I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.

My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.

Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair

Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.

doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?

me: i’m doing my best

doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?

me: best doesn’t mean good

[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]

Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.

I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.

Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.

So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.

Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*

I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.