*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
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If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
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Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Tremendous stuff
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If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
The police never think its as funny as you do.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.