*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
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They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
ok this is my dumbest yet
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”