*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—

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My stages of awkward:

Sober me: I don’t know what to do with my hands

Drunk me: I don’t know what to do with my face

High me: What face?


I had some food stuck in my teeth and now I’m an international beatboxing champion.


Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”


Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma


It’s all fun and games until you accidently grab the hand sanitizer instead of the lube.


[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years


I drove home with a new bunny for my kids & all they did was moan.

“Why hasn’t it got a head?”
“I don’t want to scrape it off the wheel.”


This drag race is not at all what I expected. Are they in dresses INSIDE of the cars, at least?


[iphone vibrates]
3yo: daddy someone is texting you

[landline phone rings]
3yo: what is that sound?