*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—

You Might Also Like


*during sex*

Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!

Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving


My need for caffeine is so bad I’m going to AA for the free coffee


It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.

It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.

– Doctors


8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course


[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office


When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home


That feeling when you kinda wanna end it all but you’re already in bed and your hara kiri sword is all the way across the room.


(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k

(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?


Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).


May I talk to you about Jesus Christ?

– how I get out of any situation