@MelKassel

*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—

You Might Also Like

@jergarl

My stages of awkward:

Sober me: I don’t know what to do with my hands

Drunk me: I don’t know what to do with my face

High me: What face?

@BritXNic

I had some food stuck in my teeth and now I’m an international beatboxing champion.

@TheThomason

Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”

@causticbob

Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma

@natalayhehoo

It’s all fun and games until you accidently grab the hand sanitizer instead of the lube.

@wolfpupy

[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years

@SqueakyFreckles

I drove home with a new bunny for my kids & all they did was moan.

“Why hasn’t it got a head?”
“I don’t want to scrape it off the wheel.”

@pseudo_fred

This drag race is not at all what I expected. Are they in dresses INSIDE of the cars, at least?

@novicefather

[iphone vibrates]
3yo: daddy someone is texting you

[landline phone rings]
3yo: what is that sound?