Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
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I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
My doctor said I shouldn’t hug people, admittedly it was 10 years ago when I had the flu but I still use that one.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
I won’t block you, but I will put a curse on you that you’ll never be able to finish a sneeze ever again for the rest of your life.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Hey, mister tambourine man
Play a song for me
But learn another instrument first
‘Cause an entire song on a tambourine
Would be monotonous.
I Really Didn’t Think I’d Need A Cart
~ A Costco Story ~