@MelKassel

*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—

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@heyitsJudeD

*during sex*

Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!

Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving

@poizngrl

My need for caffeine is so bad I’m going to AA for the free coffee

@Token_Geezer

It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.

It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.

– Doctors

@FatherWithTwins

8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course

@upsidedowntrash

[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office

@caraweinberger

When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home

@FuckabillyRex

That feeling when you kinda wanna end it all but you’re already in bed and your hara kiri sword is all the way across the room.

@BlindChow

(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k

(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?

@brunopieroni

Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).

@vajennilogue2

May I talk to you about Jesus Christ?

– how I get out of any situation