@MelKassel

*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—

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@Gupton68

Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold

Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*

@kimtopher22

I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?

@Aspersioncast

My doctor said I shouldn’t hug people, admittedly it was 10 years ago when I had the flu but I still use that one.

@AliciaHawkes

A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.

@pilau

me: you ever have conversations in your head?

me: lmao no

@wickedsuga

I won’t block you, but I will put a curse on you that you’ll never be able to finish a sneeze ever again for the rest of your life.

@Henry_3000

Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.

@ch000ch

one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]

@UnFitz

Hey, mister tambourine man
Play a song for me
But learn another instrument first
‘Cause an entire song on a tambourine
Would be monotonous.