Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant

shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit

When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…

“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”

*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*

[meeting]

Boss: What do you think?

Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?

Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.

“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”

AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA

boss: can i talk to you in my office

me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too

my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect

People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?

I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!

We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.

*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat

The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.

When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.

Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.

A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.

I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.

Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.

Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol

When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.

Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.

Get it together, toddlers.

ME: *slides envelope across the table

COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990

ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here

Okay, I’m still confused…

During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter

If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.

I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.

The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear

If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..

Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*

I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.

When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.