*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
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A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
i love modern commerce
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.