*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
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2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Please know that my definition of “busy” varies widely. I could be doing my taxes, but I could also be watching a random YouTuber make something called “hobo biscuits” out of three ingredients over an open fire next to an abandoned railroad track.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
My first child will be named New Folder.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Only a mother’s love …
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*