*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
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I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
I finally found a reason to live again.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
A leaf blower, but for people.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.