Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.

Kids have so many food allergies these days.

In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.

“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”

“Son, that happens everywhere!”

even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense

Strangers have the best candy.

Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON

Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…

Me: I love Bowl Season

Them: yeah, football every day for a month!

Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?

Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth

Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.

Someone wants you to stop at the store.

My dad.

Me after 1 airport cocktail:

What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?

A Slipper

*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*

I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.

The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired

my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.

I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.

Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge

Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads

Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.

Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed

One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy

My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.

In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.

Me: I forbid you to go!

Her: What was that?

Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”

Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.

[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”

rest in peace, 2023.

2023-2023