Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.

is this meant to deter me

Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok

[airport]

GF: I guess this is goodbye

ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes

GF: [crying] Goodbye

ME: [trying real hard] Hello

I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.

Friend: What’s it like having kids?

Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*

I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…

How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.

I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation

There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.

Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die

Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy

DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?

*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*

[in HR]

We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”

i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64

Interviewer: so tell me your strengths

Me: conducting interviews

Interviewer: *narrows eyes*

Me: so tell me your weaknesses

Interviewer: *starts sweating*

So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”

I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head

[Blind date]

Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?

You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?

Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock

People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.

When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.

Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!

*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.

Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.

Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr

Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.

So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.

If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink