[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
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Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
All the stores are selling sexy women’s Santa lingerie because, as it turns out, a lot of dudes, and I mean A LOT, have a thing for Santa Claus.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Breaking news:
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed