Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*licks ice cream cone

Cone: I have a boyfriend.

[ first date ]

her: i like a man who plans financially for the future

me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later

HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?

ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one

Her: WHAT?!

Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?

😾

the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week

I put a worm in water and it lived. I put a worm in bourbon and it died. So… if I drink bourbon I won’t get worms.

*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*

Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.

*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*

Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.

It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.

i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet

PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part

A marinara trench sounds nice tbh

*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly

Me: Can you describe the suspect?

Him: He was heavily armed

Me *writing octopus* this is bad

Seductively sings in Klingon.

Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?

just in case someone hasn’t told you today,

i’m gorgeous.

I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday

Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…

” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information

So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?

Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”

Me, “Please…I have a family.”

me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*

brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH

me: *goes radio silent*

[job interview]

Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?

Much like lasagna, I’m just held together by cheese at this point

When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.

I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.

My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.

Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.