[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
You Might Also Like
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Me too door. Me too.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
That time Alicia messaged me
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw