[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
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Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
I was just discussing this with my cat
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.