Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.

a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you

Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.

Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.

Friend: I haven’t used it yet.

The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.

I hate what you’ve done with the place.

This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.

HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected

Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS

I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.

Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind

When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.

I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.

This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead

Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.

if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years

i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”

friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get

me: what do you mean

[2 hard lemonades later]

me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it

I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.

Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran

So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?

Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?

ME: You win some, you lose some

WIFE: Where are the kids

FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that

LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it

No one girl should have all that power. 😂

Me to me: I’m pretty garbage

Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrong

Someone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing

co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave

me: oh sorry does my lobster smell

co-worker: no he’s pinching people

I’m not sorry.

They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.

I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period

WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record