*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
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My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
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‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’