*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
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Twitter fine art
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.