*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
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If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Netflix and awkward silence?
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.