You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
You Might Also Like
Stop sending me this shit.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
We decided to have money instead of children.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
are there any atheist mantises?
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish