*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
You Might Also Like
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
The idea that librarians spend all their time telling children to shush is an unflattering, outdated, and severe stereotype. We actually spend all our time telling children to stop running.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
welcome back
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.