Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.

Villian: one false move and you’re history

Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you

What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?

I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off

Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.

I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.

Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.

*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.

Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!

Said No Man Ever

It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?

Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now

Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps

I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.

Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.

11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.

Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?

i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of

Her: Do we have any chicken stock?

Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.

“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”

Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life

Today on a tram, I told the driver that I loved Puerto Rico and he told me he shot two people who were breaking into his house there after hurricane Maria and left the island to evade charges and why does this stuff happen to me

“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts

My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.

Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.

football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays

My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.

Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet

Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.

My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.

[Valentine’s Day]

Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?

Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?

I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.