*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
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What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Go hard or stay average
🤯🤯🤯
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”