*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
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If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
👽
Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet