*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
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so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
what the hell pray for carter everyone
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Writing, She Murdered.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.