*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
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Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Before & after 😅
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.