[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
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“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Lmao
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.