[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
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Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes