*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
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Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
I might carry a baby with one hand.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
beware of dog
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies