Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.

Me: *finally asleep*

Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!

I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.

I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.

chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”

I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.

at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations

8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.

purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again

“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”

“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”

“

“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run

me: i need a dr appointment

reception: ok plz verify your birthday

me: it’s this friday

reception: thanks

me: but you don’t have to get me anything

reception: umm, ok

me: there’s really nothing i even need

reception: ok i wasn-

me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12

I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters

why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.

a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole

all that yoga finally paid off

her: let’s make a baby

me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok

I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞

Normalize ordering a straw with your soup

I once had a tweet go bacterial.

Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?

Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.

Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-

Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls

Cop: is that… is that less weird?

A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again

Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?

“I should probably start filling this thing out.”

-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.

Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.

Damn girl, are you an octagon?

Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.

Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired

Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.

7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!

Me: You’re exaggerating.

7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.

Okay, it might have been deep enough.