Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.

Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..

First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.

Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?

I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people

I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster

I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.

This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.

Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs

According to all these BMI charts…

I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.

Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”

When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot

I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.

I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.

Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?

Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal

“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.

If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.

[listening to twenty one pilots]

ME: ok ok one at a time

I’m not feeling myself today…

…would YOU do it for me?

I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.

To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.

[end of interview]

Any questions for me?

Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?

YOU ARE SO HIRED.

I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.

So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”

Aliens traveled millions of light years to get here to visit New Jersey.

(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure

The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free