Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”

I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.

Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)

🤬فقط في مصر 🤬

Before countdowns were invented:

*6:30 at Chili’s*

Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?

[on a date]

Him: I love the law.

Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.

Amazon is approved for drone delivery…

Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.

My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.

Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.

running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*

If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.

Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?

The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.

No wine. No peace.

Know wine. Know peace.

Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”

*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*

Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace

….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.

I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job

One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.

[any baby is born]

society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds

THERAPIST: You need more friends

ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week

THERAPIST: …

ME: …

THERAPIST: … So all of these-

ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys

2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.

2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.

17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.

she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face

My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.